On Purpose

You have a purpose in your life. However, sometimes this concept feels harder to grasp.

A couple years ago, I went through a period of immense stagnation. It was in the winter. The first glimpse into this painful period was right before Christmas, where I could barely get out of bed. I got past it. 
In February, it happened again, but this time it stayed. 
I never fully understood depression, or what it felt like; I knew it existed, but I always believed that I just had to be happy and grateful. I thought I would never experience the insurmountable feeling of helplessness it brings. 
When February came around, I remember thinking, “this is what it feels like, I feel horrible for not being more empathetic or helpful towards others.”
Nothing seemed interesting, I was unphased by life; I no longer cared about my future.
I would try to pump myself up, and as I did it felt like my actual being was outside myself and I was talking at my body.
I would tell myself “but you want to be a lawyer!!” Or “think about how great your life is!!” At one point I would turn on gospel music to try and help— it did not. None of this resonated. 
I would skip class or work or plans— I didn’t care. I had a concern for myself but not enough to follow it.

On multiple occasions I asked the universe, “Will I ever be able to have what I thought was a bad day?” Bad days seemed amazing compared to how empty I felt.
I will never forget how scared I was to be alone with myself;
I felt like a stranger in my own mind and body.
Talking with people took all my mental strength and made me feel like I just ran a marathon. 
Surrounded by people yet I was alone. 

I continued on, hopeful to endure what used to be a bad day— a day I was annoyed or irritated with my current circumstance. 
I tried to explain to my family how I was feeling but it wasn’t something they could understand, most likely because I am typically an optimistic individual. I also can be quite sensitive so I assume they believed my sensitivity was the culprit of these feelings. That I was just moody or something. 

I got to a point where I needed to pretend to feel normal. My mom and little sister asked me to go out to dinner with them— I said yes. We went to this little diner that has always been a staple in our family. I ordered my regular meal, along with buffalo chicken dip for the table, and double chocolate cake ( the best I’ve ever had).
They made me laugh for the first time in weeks. It felt foreign. Each time after that, the laugh got louder and brought more feelings of happiness. I am so grateful for them. I don’t think they realized how much they helped me that day— I truly came back to life with laughter. 

This experience was a catalyst for many things in my life. I started doing more work on myself and stopped letting my dark thoughts just slip by. I became aware with the things that did and did not work for me. I sought out alignment with my soul. I was honest with myself and I actually took the time to hear myself. I sat myself down and confronted the fact that I didn’t want to be a lawyer though I thought I did for some time. I acknowledged the difference between who I am and who I felt I should be, because trust me there’s a difference. And I embraced all the uncertainty in my path rather than filling it with acceptable answers.
 
I share this story because even in that time, I had a purpose. My purpose was to build strength and character; to shed who I thought I should be and stop resisting my true self. To discover who I am. 
My mom and sister had a purpose.
I don’t know where their mental state was on that day, but I’m sure they didn’t realize the impact they had that day. They made me feel alive again— something I can never thank them enough for. 
Purpose does not have to be, changing the world TODAY.
Purpose can be going through something that is uncomfortable and unimaginable; purpose can be making someone laugh; purpose can be smiling at a stranger; purpose can be going in to work and saying hello; purpose can be holding the door open for someone; purpose can be buying someone a coffee.
Purpose can be just existing just as you are. 

Purpose is all around us. You have helped people just by being alive. You have inspired people by the way you navigate your obstacles.
Keep showing up.
I promise, you have a purpose, each and every step you take in this life

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