Who am I? Who do I think I am? Do I really think I am capable of making a blog? What will everyone think? What am I doing? A yoga teacher, really? Am I doing the right thing? Where am I going? What is the point? Does she hate me? Why does she hate me? Why is this happening?
I just endured a foggy week, which now seems far too long to be considered normal. It started after all the above thoughts crept into my mind. My week has been filled with self-doubt, regret, forgetfulness, fatigue and many moments of playing the victim.
I thought I was aware enough to be able to spot these times of isolation and emotional difficulty. It took me until today to realize what was going on—6 days later. I would wake up hopeful for a brighter day… I felt like I was doing all the right things: a meditation, gratitude list, fresh juice and water. “What could possibly be wrong? Maybe I’m stressed. Maybe it’s my hormones. Maybe work will take my mind off of it. Fake it until you make it.” I would tell myself these things.
I would go in to work and put on my most cheerful façade. Once (about) 1 o’clock hit, I would feel burnt out, yet I would push myself to keep going. I thought if I kept my day as normal as possible, the “bad mood” would pass. I kept making excuses…until today.
I went to bed last night telling myself today would be different. I am emotional typing this. I woke up this morning—it was not different, and I lied to myself and said it was.
I carried out my morning routine and put on my cheerful mask for the 6th day in a row. I was irritated, all I wanted was to feel like myself again. 2 p.m. rolled around, and I knew I needed to go home early.
So, this time, I left.
I forced myself to take a nap. I use the word “force” because I cannot stand taking naps, even when I need them the most. This is a flawed characteristic of mine, at which I convince myself there is always something I could be doing.
This time, I napped for 2 hours.
I woke up and cooked myself a nutritious cauliflower, kale and broccoli dinner. I proceeded to my front porch to sit and enjoy this meal as the rain fell in front of me. I sat there, wireless, just me. I started to think about my lack of energy and foggy days.
This is where it hit me. I needed to do something.
I needed to act in a way that was out of the normal for me. No more pretending I was okay. I was far from okay. My body and mind need me. I immediately cancelled my plans for the night. I made myself some tea and drew myself a bath. I put healing tea leaves in the bath and made it so hot, all the mirrors were foggy. I was there for myself, while my aspirations were pushed to the wayside; after all how can I accomplish anything if I my mind and body are out of check? I continued on into my night, mostly off my phone. I lit candles in my room and began to declutter the mess. I made a pile of clothes that no longer served me. It felt good to get rid of the things that take up my physical space. I did a yoga flow. Movement helps me in miraculous ways.
Now I sit here, and I type this vulnerable story and I begin to think; It is almost comical how we can so easily become our own worst enemy. One day you are moving along without impediment, not a worry in the world; and then the next day you are questioning everything you were the day before. Why does this happen?
This happens when our ego takes over; it is when our conscious becomes aware of the uncertainty, the fear and the “what-ifs”. We slowly start to crumble beneath the surface, putting on a façade to the world. We become afraid to show who we truly are. We become fragile and vulnerable; we may even become jealous and envious. The things we love become irrelevant due to all of our energy being directed to an entity to which it does not belong. Our focus deviates from who we truly are at our core, to who we think society will accept us to be. It all becomes confusing and disrupts our mind-body connection.
At the end of it all, these moments will still happen. It is only a natural part of human existence. What we must do is learn how to navigate these troubling times from self-defeat to self-acceptance. We must forgive ourselves when these times come; be gentle with our self and feel it all. Respond accordingly. We are strong enough to get through these times of what feels like sheer defeat, only to find out it is our greatest triumph.
